In yesterday’s devotion we talked about the danger of having an unforgiving heart. Today I would like to share some of the main reasons people have such a hard time in forgiving those who have harmed them. I believe that the main reason for this difficulty is summarized well by the late theologian, Lewis B. Smedes, who once said: “I have discovered that most people who tell me that they cannot forgive a person who wronged them are handicapped by a mistaken understanding of what forgiving is.”1 I think that the best way of understanding what forgiveness is can be shown by describing what it is not. Below are four observations of what forgiveness is not:
Forgiveness doesn’t make the other person right
Some people think that if we forgive someone who has inflicted harm on them, in a sense justifies that person and makes his behavior right. This is a lie from the devil. Wrong behavior is never right and should never be condoned. When someone says that they can’t forgive because of this reason they foolishly put themselves in bondage to the other person. Stormie Omartian shares what happens when we understand the fallacy of this reasoning when she states: “Forgiveness doesn’t make the other person right, it makes you free.”2
Forgiveness doesn’t mean we need to or should trust the other person
If I lend someone $100 and they choose to not pay me back, I can forgive them, but that doesn’t mean I will trust them with another loan. While forgiveness should be instant, trust takes time to develop, and could even take years, depending on the breach. This idea of confusing forgiveness and trust is one of the main reasons so many say they can’t forgive others and is another lie of the enemy. Rick Warren said it well when he shared: “Forgiveness must be immediate, whether or not a person asks for it. Trust must be rebuilt over time. Trust requires a track record.”3
Forgiveness doesn’t mean we need to feel like forgiving the other person
If we are waiting to feel like forgiving those who hurt us, we may never do it because it is rare that we feel, at first, like forgiving someone who has deeply hurt us. But the good news is that God is often able to change our feelings when we actually forgive those who have hurt us. The sequence is forgiveness first and then watch God change our feelings. One of the greatest insights in this area is that forgiveness is in reality an act of the will and not our feelings. Corrie Ten Boom summed this observation up well when she said: “Forgiveness is an act of the will, and the will can function regardless of the temperature of the heart.”4
Forgiveness doesn’t mean that there are no negative consequences for our offender
If you happen to be a store owner and someone breaks into your store and steals some of your goods, we need to forgive them, but that doesn’t mean that individual won’t have to pay a fine or even go to prison for his behavior. Stealing is sin and sin has consequences. In the above case forgiving the criminal will release you from being imprisoned by thoughts of anger and bitterness but may put our offender into prison. I agree with Lance Morrow who once said: “Not to forgive is to be imprisoned by the past, by old grievances that do not permit life to proceed with new business.”5
While forgiving does not erase the past, it can heal our memory of the past. Again, Lewis B. Smedes adds insight here: “Instead, forgiving what we cannot forget creates a new way to remember. We change the memory of our past into a hope for our future.”6
When we really understand what forgiveness is and what it is not I believe we will be much more prone to forgive because first, God expects us to forgive. And second, it really is for our own benefit because the costs of not forgiving are so high and the benefits of forgiving are so great. Jack Kornfield said it best: “Forgiveness is primarily for our own sake, so that we no longer carry the burden of resentment.”7
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